It's difficult for me to be so open about these kinds of things. I think it's important though, so here we go. Once in awhile life sucks. There are teachings based on overcoming struggle that say being negative is not helpful during difficult times. I have read the power of now and loads of other spiritual books that speak on staying present in the moment, questioning your thoughts and maintaining a level of clarity when faced with something that seems hard to overcome. I have endured my fair share of hardships and struggle, as we all have. I have learned to take bits and pieces of ideologies and spiritual practices that feel right to me and utilize them in ways I see fit to help me endure. Sometimes though, you just gotta feel sorry for yourself. I think there is beauty in not candy coating struggles. We are all going through things in our own ways. Pain is pain, no matter what it seems like in comparison to anyone else's. This is a candid depiction of my health struggles.
When I was 16 years old I was diagnosed with Arnold Chiari Malformation Type 1. I have had three brain surgeries. The first surgeon took out too much of my skull and broke one of my vertebrae. The surgeon didn't tell me about the broken vertebrae. My symptoms escalated to the point of needing treatment and after seeing multiple doctors (one who wanted to fuse my spine) I found a specialist out of Wisconsin. He is the one who discovered that my brain was prolapsing out of my skull 6 cm and the broken vertebrae had healed incorrectly and I was then diagnosed with cervical myelopathy (a degenerative disease of the spinal cord commonly found in the elderly). He fixed the prolapsing of the brain and I came back to Michigan. Within a week I felt as though I was dying. Little did I know a concoction of infection was brewing in my brain. 3 different types of bacteria had made their home in my head. I consulted two different doctors explaining how terrible I had felt, both prescribed a dosage of antibiotics and sent me on my way. I remember thinking to myself that maybe I would end up dying because nobody seemed to believe me when I told them how terrible I felt. My condition worsened and I flew out to to Wisconsin to see the surgeon. He did an emergency surgery, explaining how life threatening this was. I was in the hospital for a week on IV antibiotics before being sent home with a surplus of hulk strength antibiotics that I took for the next three months. They kicked the infections ass. I have had strange periods for as long as I can remember. One day I went to pee and I couldn't. It felt like someone was stabbing me. I retreated to the floor, bladder full. The pain became so intense I could not move. My brother and mom carried me to the car and I ended up in the ER. The doctors ran a bunch of tests and found cysts on my ovaries. While explaining to the doctor the intense pain I felt, especially the overwhelming pressure I was experiencing in my lady parts, he laughed. They told me the cysts would burst and it would be fine. I left feeling upset and pretty embarrassed by the whole ordeal. I didn't feel satisfied with this and made an appointment with my doctor. She explained that I did NOT want these cysts to burst and that we would monitor them. I left for Europe a week later. While adventuring Scotland I had such incredible pain in my hip that I could barely walk, sometimes I couldn't walk at all. This entire time I had been an emotional wreck, feeling completely out of control of my emotions. I came back from Sweden and had follow up tests and appointments. The cysts had grown so rapidly the doctors were talking about referring me to an oncologist. Losing ovaries. Cancer. The tests came back negative for cancer and I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. I didn't feel relieved. I didn't know what endometriosis was and after doing research I realized that this was yet another incurable disease that I was going to have to deal with, that may even affect my ability to reproduce. I had surgery to remove the cysts, because of their massive size, they were displacing organs and pushing on my bladder. The surgeon opened me up and realized that one of the cysts had begun leaking and had covered my insides with a thick tar like mixture of blood and endometrium. I had lesions on the inside of my abdomen. He successfully removed the cysts and lesions and managed to save both of my ovaries. I now know that I have stage 4 endometriosis and that putting me into a medically induced menopause is the treatment the specialist sees as the best way to slow down the disease. I have found diet based natural healing treatments and anyone with endometriosis should know these kinds of treatment methods exist and some people fully believe in the success of diet based endometriosis therapy. When you are facing health problems sometimes you have to be your own advocate. You need to research and know what is right for you. I have been mislead, misdiagnosed and let down by so many doctors to know now that they are not gods. You cannot take everything a doctor says as the absolute truth. They are wrong sometimes, probably more than they should be. Sometimes they don't care and sometimes they mock you or make it seem like your symptoms are illegitimate. You are the only one who knows your body. You know when something isn't right and you have to make sure you are getting quality and accurate care. The thing that I hear the most from people is how strong how I am. I am not some kind of phenomenon. We are all far stronger than even we know. We are such resilient beings. Some of us have family members taken from us too soon, some of us are dealing with terminal illnesses, abuse, hunger and so many other adversities. We all have this well of strength that becomes uncovered when we reach a point where we think there is no possible way we can carry on. Some say it's the strength of god, some have no idea where it comes from and there are some of us who do give up. It's all okay. I think it's okay to get down and feel like the weight of the world is upon you. I think it's okay to feel miserable and overwhelmed by struggle. That's what it means to be a human. The beauty is allowing yourself the time to have a massive pity party, get that shit out of your system and then get back on that horse and ride. I have gone so deep into myself, shutting out everyone and everything in order to sort things out for myself. Everyone has their own way of dealing with things. We are all struggling and as long as we have humility, openness and compassion this world will feel a hell of a lot less lonely. Nobody is truly alone in their struggle, no matter how isolated we can feel. Struggle can be used as a tool for growth. It can bring us back from being caught up in money, power, keeping up with jones'. It can remind us what is truly important in life and give us a deep sense of gratitude for when things are good and hope for when they aren't. I can appreciate the struggle now for what it offers. I assumed the laparoscopy surgery would be a breeze. I figured in three days I would be fine, nearly two weeks later I am still not fully myself. I told my mom one day that I didn't understand how I could be in so much pain. "When you think about it, there were people inside of your abdomen doing the Watusi!" http://www.conquerchiari.org/index.html http://www.columbianeurosurgery.org/conditions/cervical-myelopathy/ http://www.endo-resolved.com/
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Usage of tasteful profanity which you might not consider tasteful. Some stories are vulgar. Colorful language and descriptions included. Reading these stories may cause you to become offended, appalled and uneasy. You have been warned. Read with caution. Categories
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